Wife had affair with coworker; seeking advice from other betrayed spouses.


My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. She changed jobs about a year ago, and became friends with a male coworker. She has always had a few, completely platonic relationships with the opposite sex. I realized that this “friendship” was going a little too far this past winter (February?) and began to ask her questions about “J.” She insisted they were only friends. She soon began to neglect things at home, including the home itself. Our marriage went from a team effort to her doing what she wanted, and leaving most of the work to me. She invited J. to her volleyball league, and, in addition to eating lunch with him every day, saw him three times a week after work at volleyball. Two months ago, she was supposed to go shopping at a local mall, and ended up going to dinner with J. I stepped up my protest, and did not hide my feelings about the situation. She HAD to stop seeing J.–I told her– so much. She became defensive, and insisted it was only a friendship; I knew better. J.’s wife did not want him to be around my wife, as she too detected that their relationship was approaching something inappropriate.

My wife would not stop seeing him, and vehemently defended the “friendship.” She stopped responding to me, despite my reaching out to her over the past few months.

At the end of May I went to Canada on a fishing trip that had been planned for almost a year. I became deathly ill (norovirus, perhaps) and had to come home early. I was gone for a week. On the very night I left, my wife kissed J. after a game. They planned a trip to a hiking destination that my wife and I frequented. (J’s wife was visiting family and I was out of the country…) After their “hike” they went back to the vehicle, said they loved and wanted each other, and had sex. She said she felt bad (after they were well into the throes of passion) and stopped… She claimed that she felt guilty and cried when she got home that night.

My suspicion reached fever pitch when I returned early (two days after her fling) because, despite being very ill, I knew my wife was acting strange. My trust broke down to the point I read her text messages, and found where they had expressed desires to be with each other.

I confronted her about it the next night…she admitted to an emotional affair, and that they kissed. She left to stay with her parents.

She came over to talk the next night, and said she wanted to work it out. I told her I needed to know the truth, because I didn’t want wo work at it and find out something else later. She then admitted to me that her and J. had sex in my car, after their “hiking” (makeout stroll) trip.

I said his wife had to know, and she insisted that J. would tell her. I contacted her anyways, found out she was in exactly the same boat as I for the past two months (she didn’t want J. to see my wife, and knew I did not like J. at all). J.’s wife didn’t even know they had lunch together…I was told (lied to) that she knew and was OK with that. I still love her, but feel betrayed, and my trust is completely destroyed. I am consumed by fury and malice that eats away at me like a cancer.

Category: asked June 6, 2013

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